


Puzzle Pieces

by xxMad_Donaxx



Series: A Long Hard Road [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Addiction, Anal Sex, Angst, Floor Sex, Fluff, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-03-24 21:32:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3784996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxMad_Donaxx/pseuds/xxMad_Donaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders is having trouble coping with his addiction on top of the loss of Justice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A day and a half struggling with around 900 words of Acts and this I get out in around four hours. =/
> 
> If anyone has any tag suggestions I'm all ears. 
> 
> This follows my fic "They're the Same Everywhere'. A Series tag suggestion would also be awesome.

Anders sat on the floor of the balcony over the foyer in the Amell Estate, half hidden by the drapes. His knees were bent and half tucked under him, his shoulder against the window frame and his forehead resting on the cool glass. One arm sat listlessly in his lap and the other rested on Dozer’s broad head where it was resting on his legs. He stared out into the dark night, watching what few stars he could see twinkle, scratching behind one of Dozer’s floppy ears occasionally.

His want for lyrium was always worse at night, when Red had always shown up to addict him to it. He knew all he had to do was go to his clinic to get rid of the nagging need. With no one but the dwarves and the dogs for company tonight it would have been the easiest thing to slip down the cellar stairs. Hawke likely wouldn’t be back from his date with Fenris until much later and he just might get away with it if he could haul himself back up the stairs and go to sleep. But he remained where he sat, telling himself he couldn’t be bothered to move Dozer.

The fuzzy sluggishness the lyrium caused would have been blessing at the moment. In the month and a half that had passed since he and Justice had parted company he’d tried a lot of things to keep the empty loneliness inside at bay. Hawke and Fenris were always a good distraction but he was enough of a burden on them without demanding their attention all the time. Alcohol had proved a disastrous failure as it just made the cravings for lyrium worse. With his judgement impaired from the booze he hadn’t been able to resist them and the stern lecture he’d gotten from Hawke the next morning hadn’t been worth any of it.

Sex, one of his old coping habits from Kinloch Hold, might work if he had more than his hand to keep him company. Anders brought the subject up with Hawke a few weeks ago but he’d been extremely reluctant. Hawke thought it was some residual effect of being raped for so long and not him wanting an actual willing partner for the first time since Nathaniel Howe. Anders was annoyed but he understood Hawke’s reasons and hadn’t brought it up again. Since Fenris never did agree to a simple kiss he hadn’t even tried. Going to the Rose or begging Isabela just felt wrong.

Staying at the clinic worked wonders for forgetting the hole inside of him and the cravings but he just didn’t have the stamina he had before. If he stayed too late Hawke usually showed up, extremely worried but trying not to look it. He usually ended up going back to the estate out of guilt. The exhausted slumber he usually fell into was good for him but had a tendency to worry Hawke more for some reason.

While the attention was nice it wasn’t his goal to send Hawke to an early grave from worrying. Anders would spend a couple of nights in Fenris’ dilapidated mansion when he felt like he was smothering Hawke for one reason or another. Fenris wasn’t cold or angry with him like he had been before but there was a careful distance he kept from both him and Hawke. Sometimes Anders woke in his bed with the elf curled protectively around him but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to ask what had brought him over.

Since distractions were hit and miss Anders did his best to hide the turmoil inside of him when everyone else was around. For the most part he was successful but it was when he was inevitably alone that he felt confused and overwhelmed. With no one else to focus on he withdrew and found it impossible to ignore the part of himself that had been ripped away. As terrifying as Justice could be, as focused on the lyrium as he had been Anders desperately missed the spirit.

It was these times when he drew comfort from the annoying dog that seemed to think Anders was his human. He was still half frightened of the creature but Hawke never took King when he knew Anders would be alone with Dozer. Even now King was sprawled in the middle of the floor not far away and as much as he didn’t like dogs in general, he trusted King. The Mabari was the only reason he allowed himself to find comfort with Dozer’s head on his legs, one paw sitting atop his ankle and the creepy little doll sitting in the other room on Dozer’s blanket nest.

Anders sighed and scratched his head. The cravings were a constant nagging at the edge of his thoughts and he was getting a little better at ignoring them but they were particularly strong tonight. Once more he considered untangling himself from Dozer and heading down the cellar and once more only guilt kept him at the window. Even if Hawke or Fenris never found out, if he was careful they wouldn’t, it felt too much like going to the Rose. So he stayed on the floor, looking out over what little bit of Hightown he could see and told himself he didn’t want to disturb the dog using him as a pillow. Eventually his eyes drifted shut and he slept.

“Go lay down Dozer.”

The familiar voice roused him somewhat but Anders didn’t move. He felt the heavy weight on his legs disappear and gentle shaking at his shoulder.

“Anders.”

“Did you have fun?” he asked slowly still not moving.

“Come on Anders,” Hawke said gently. “Let’s get you in bed.”

“Can I sleep in your bed?” Anders said turning his head. Hawke frowned slightly and Anders sighed, pushing weakly at his hands. “Leave me here then.”

“Anders please,” said Hawke sounding worried and upset.

“No,” he said stubbornly. “Dozer’s better than being alone. I hate being alone…”

“Come on Anders,” Hawke said again. “You’re not sleeping here.”

“Hawke,” Anders whined clinging to the hands that wouldn’t leave him be. “Please. I’m always alone…”

“All right,” Hawke sighed.

He stopped fighting and let Hawke pull him up. Anders shuffled beside him and fell onto a bed. Blankets were pulled up over him and he worried for a moment that Hawke would leave. He felt the bed dip behind him and sighed in relief as he snuggled back against him, asleep seconds later. Hawke was still wrapped around him when he woke. There was barely enough light to see by but it was enough to tell that Hawke had indeed let him sleep in his bed.

Anders carefully slipped out of the bed wondering if he begged Fenris in his sleep. Feeling a little guilty and very embarrassed he slunk out of the room and down to his own. He changed quickly and hurried down the cellar without rousing either of the dwarves or amazingly enough the dogs. Anders threw himself into work, making potions until patients started trickling in.

*

Hawke knelt at the very beginning of the hallway that eventually led to Darktown, one arm wrapped firmly around Dozer’s chest and the other draped over his back. He heaved a sigh and let the Mastiff go. Dozer scrambled over to the door Anders had disappeared through. He sniffed at the opening at the bottom then sat and whined a little.

“Sorry boy,” Hawke said tiredly pushing himself to his feet. “He doesn’t trust you yet. I wish he did. Come on Dozer. Let’s go see Fenris.”

He turned back towards the stairs, more worried than he had been before.


	2. Chapter 2

Hawke sat on the bed that Anders slept in when he stayed with Fenris. The elf was currently grumbling on his own bed dealing with a large eager puppy. He waited while Dozer said hello, sort of wanting to grin at Fenris’ annoyance with being licked awake but he didn’t. Finding Anders asleep in the window when he wasn’t there was becoming a normal thing and he didn’t like it one bit. Anders had never begged him to sleep in the same bed however and slinking away this morning only worsened his worry.

“He was in the window again,” Hawke said after Fenris had sat up.

“Dozer?” said Fenris sleepily absently scratching the dog’s neck.

“Asleep, his head on Anders’ legs. It seems to be the only time he’ll let Dozer stay near.”

“This is not worthy of waking me so early,” Fenris said irritably.

“He begged me to let him sleep on my bed,” said Hawke flatly. “Then snuck away after he woke without a single word.”

Fenris sighed and shook his head. “What did he say?”

“That he hated being alone. That he was always alone. It’s Justice. I know it is. Marethari said it wasn’t possible to part them without taking away a part of Anders too.”

“He’s better off. We just need to get him through the worst of it.”

“Nothing’s worked,” Hawke said harshly as he stood. “He won’t talk about it. He avoids the subject like Varric avoids the Merchant’s Guild. He blows it off and jokes about it but everyone can see through his act. I try to get closer to him and he runs over here and hides from me for days at a time. He’ll stay at his clinic until I bring him home tonight and tomorrow he’ll want to stay with you. If he hates being alone why does it seem like he’s still pushing me away?”

“You are still very important to him,” Fenris said. “I believe it’s… shame… that keeps you at arm’s length.”

“Does he talk to you?” said Hawke pacing impatiently.

“Not as such…”

Hawke stopped and turned to him. Fenris was seemingly absorbed with Dozer, hands running along his short fur from head to flank but his shoulders were tense and he recognized the way Fenris watched from beneath the hair that fell in front of his face. He frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. “Fenris please. We _need_ to figure out how to help him.”

“He speaks in his sleep sometimes,” Fenris sighed. “There are also things he has said before it was removed… things I believe he didn’t want you to know.”

“Maker’s Breath,” Hawke muttered. He slumped back down onto Anders’ bed and scrubbed his face, at a complete loss.

“Hawke,” said Fenris hesitantly after a long silence. “You might try… taking him to your bed.”

“You can’t be seriously suggesting what I think you’re suggesting,” said Hawke incredulously.

“I am,” he replied fidgeting uncomfortably. Dozer had hopped up onto his bed and lay beside him, front paws hanging over the edge. Fenris stroked along his back and finally looked up at Hawke. “He _has_ brought up the subject?”

“Yes but… how did you know? He can’t possibly want me to… do that.”

“He talks in his sleep. And yes. He does.” Fenris sighed heavily at his shocked expression. “You remember when he stayed here? Before the ritual?”

“Yes.”

“You remember seeing us on that bed? My fingers inside of him?”

“Of course.”

“He suggested it. He seemed shocked that I didn’t want to do it. I told him that I wouldn’t violate him further unless there was no other way and he was definitely shocked. Anders doesn’t view sex like everyone else does. I can’t say my opinions on that subject are any more normal than his are but I can tell you with all certainty that he does want you to fuck him.”

Hawke frowned at the implication that both of his potential lovers had a lot of unpleasant sexual experiences. That Anders had been abused there was no doubt. The only question with him was had it happened before. He found a tentative answer of yes particularly disturbing. Fenris however, that was a hornet’s nest he didn’t plan on sticking his fingers in anytime soon. Hawke was having enough trouble with Anders.

“All right,” said Hawke slowly. “So if we did… sleep together… how would it help?”

“Confidence perhaps. A momentary distraction from what’s going on inside his head. I honestly have no idea. He was fairly upset with your rebuff though.”

“Distractions aren’t really going to help him deal with losing Justice or the cravings. Calming him would be helpful though. Maybe you can get him talk.”

“Hawke, I’m hardly the right person for that task.”

“He isn’t going to talk to me Fenris. You’ve seen him at his worst and you helped him anyway.”

Fenris sighed heavily after a moment and nodded. “I am not comfortable with this plan.”

“I’m not comfortable with it either but we have to do something different. If he keeps going like this…”

“I know.”

Hawke sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

*

Night had fallen and Anders was still at his clinic. He knew he should have left an hour ago when he’d run out of things to do but he’d stayed anyway, the lamp lit. On a day when he really needed people to keep coming in they hadn’t. Anders had done every chore that had needed to be done and a few that didn’t. Instead of locking up and going somewhere else he sat on the end of a cot, knees against his chest and his arms wrapped around them, staring at the loose floorboard.

He had known resisting wouldn’t be easy but he hadn’t expected it to be so consistently hard. It had been three weeks since the alcohol slip and sometimes he felt the cravings just as keenly now as he had then. They had been bad last night but now he didn’t even have Dozer to cling to. A thin plank of wood stood between him and getting rid of the annoying want for a while. Anders gripped his knees tighter and thought of everything he hated about having lyrium coating his insides but it wasn’t quite enough.

Anders unfurled and stood, fully intending to move that thin plank of wood and froze instead when he heard the door open. Hawke stood in the doorway not bothering to hide his worry this time. His brows were furrowed, hands clenching and unclenching nervously and frowning deeply as he walked quickly over. Anders hated the way his gaze lingered on his outstretched hands and he put them guiltily behind his back.

“Hello Hawke,” said Anders as he stopped in front of him. “I’m ah… sorry I… sort of snuck out this morning.”

“I’m worried about you,” Hawke said quietly.

“I know,” he said turning away slightly. “I just…”

Hawke pulled him into a hug and Anders gratefully returned it. He still felt guilty for what he’d wheedled Hawke into last night and it was compounded by what he’d almost done. It was time to spend a few days with Fenris.

“I think I’ll…” Anders started as he began to pull away.

“Hear me out first,” Hawke interrupted. He was still frowning but his arms tightened around Anders’ back, preventing him from breaking contact completely. “You’re not alone. You can sleep with me anytime you need to.”

“Hawke…”

“I mean it Anders. If that’s what you need I’m happy to do it. I just want to help.” Anders sighed and clung to him. “Let’s go upstairs and get you something to eat.”

“All right.”

Hawke’s smile was a little strained and Anders managed a weak one in return. He looked back once to the loose floorboard, glad the choice had been taken out of his hands and wondering if he would ever be free of the nagging want.


	3. Chapter 3

Anders tried to sleep in his bed. The loneliness that had been plaguing him lately and the strong urges to go back to his clinic kept him awake however. Because it was so late he stayed at the estate with Hawke even though he was obviously still worried. He still planned on staying with Fenris for a few days. There would be no temptation to sneak down the stairs or follow Hawke around like a lost puppy.

As he lay in his bed tossing and turning he marveled at how much he missed Justice. Hoping Hawke wouldn’t mind a late visit and afraid he’d be told to go away, Anders quietly navigated through the hall and the stairs. He stood in front of Hawke’s door for a few indecisive minutes before hesitantly knocking. There was a sleepy muffled reply which Anders hoped was ‘come in’ and he slowly opened the door. Hawke was propped up on one elbow blinking and yawning. He waved Anders in and sunk back down.

He shut the door behind him as quietly as he could and shuffled over to the bed. Hawke had rolled to his side and he flipped the blanket up in invitation. Anders crawled under and scooted as far back towards him as he dared before settling the blanket over him. He was surprised when Hawke scooted closer, his back flush with his chest; his knees tucked into the hollow his created and his arm thrown casually over his side.

“Please don’t run away before breakfast,” Hawke whispered sleepily.

“I won’t,” Anders promised.

Hawke rubbed his chest briefly and soon his breathing evened out. Anders fell asleep shortly after, comfortable with Hawke holding him, able to resist because he didn’t want to disturb him again. He woke in the morning with their positions reversed. Hawke was spooned in front with Anders behind him. Anders was clinging to him, one arm over his side and the other under his neck, both hands holding onto fistfuls of his nightshirt like he was a gigantic teddy bear. Embarrassed once again he rolled away onto his back and considered how best to free his other arm when Hawke suddenly turned to face him.

“Sleep better?” he asked softly.

“Yes,” Anders said smiling nervously. “I didn’t… bother you… did I?”

“Not at all.” Hawke sat up and stretched before sliding off the edge of the bed. “You can start off in here if you need to Anders.”

Anders sat up and watched him walk to his wardrobe. “Thank you. I’ll try not to abuse the privilege.”

“It’s not a problem.” Hawke turned with a shirt and trousers draped over one arm. He sat on the edge and turned slightly, bringing one knee up beside his legs, surprising him with a shy smile. “To be perfectly honest… I’ve wanted you in my bed for quite some time now.”

His smile was quickly replaced by a confused frown. “You have?”

“Yes.” Hawke looked at his lap and took a deep breath. “Now you’re going to ask me why I was reluctant to have sex.”

“Well… I am… wait. Was?”

His expression was just as serious as ever when he looked up. “I didn’t want you to make a hasty decision you’d regret later.”

“Now you sound like Fenris.” Anders scooted down and gripped his shoulder. “I promise there’s nothing I’d regret. You have no idea how many times I tugged off imagining you behind me.”

“That’s another thing,” Hawke said hesitantly. “Why do you always assume you’ll be bottom? After what you’ve been through I can’t imagine…”

Are we really having this conversation, he thought in amazement as Hawke trailed off. Anders rubbed his arm and smiled as warmly as he could manage. “You don’t need to worry about that. I like bottoming.”

“But is that what you really want? Or is it because that’s the way it’s always been?”

“Umm… I never thought about it. What would you prefer?”

Another shy smile crossed his features and Hawke shrugged. His voice was quiet but confident when he spoke. “Bottom.”

“Why so shy all of a sudden?” Anders asked scooting forward a little more. Hawke had never been shy about his preferences before. Besides the intriguing inconsistency he was a little desperate to shift the conversation away from himself.

“I used to be pretty quiet,” Hawke said evenly. “Small village everyone knew everyone else.”

Anders leaned forward nodding interestedly. He didn’t notice Hawke watching closely as he continued or the small smile as Anders became absorbed. His embarrassment temporarily forgotten Anders left for his clinic thinking of a teenage Hawke propositioning an older mercenary just passing through. Patients kept him busy throughout the day and he didn’t think about any of his problems until he stood outside his locked clinic that night.

He stood undecided looking between the cellar entrance and the stairs that would eventually take him to Hightown and Fenris. Even though this morning hadn’t ended as awkwardly as he’d feared he was still reluctant to go up and stay with Hawke. He had been really needy the last few days and Hawke probably needed a break from him despite what he’d said. Anders turned to the stairs.

*

Fenris stood in a room just off the main hall. Clutter had been moved aside and the doors had been torn off their hinges. He threw a chair leg as far as he could down the long corridor and Dozer raced happily after it. King had tired of the game a while ago and lay panting nearby.

Hawke had told him of the night and morning when he brought the dogs over. He still suspected that Anders would show up here despite the almost cheerful mood he’d left in. Fenris had spent a good portion of his day trying to figure out how to get the stubborn mage to talk because he suspected Anders would show up as well.

Dozer trotted back with the chair leg clamped between his teeth. He let go and pranced backwards eagerly waiting for Fenris to throw it. Before he could the front door creaked open. Both dogs turned to the sound alert and still. Fenris waited as well positive he knew who had opened his door.

“Fenris?”

He chuckled as Dozer scrambled over, stopping just short of Anders. Fenris watched as Dozer sat, tail thumping the floor rapidly, his tongue lolling as he panted. Anders’ smile was small but genuine. Gradually he was accepting the Mastiff.

“Yes I see you,” Anders said patting his head.

King stretched as he stood. Fenris dropped the chair leg and followed him to where Anders stood with Dozer. The Mabari barked once and trotted out the door. Anders watched him go but didn’t ask why Hawke’s dog was leaving by himself. Instead he turned to Fenris and smiled.

“Care for some company?” he said casually.

Fenris gestured towards the stairs, unsure if he liked how predictable Anders had become. “I don’t mind at all.”


	4. Chapter 4

Fenris sat on his bed watching Anders pick at his plate. When he was in one of his better moods the food would have been completely gone ten minutes ago. He held in a sigh and watched Anders toss Dozer a bone with quite a bit of meat still on it. The plate was set aside and he brought his knees up, feet resting on the edge of his bed.

“Do I… ask for things… when I’m asleep?” he asked hesitantly.

“You speak,” Fenris said setting aside his plate as well. “Sometimes you just… whimper.”

“What sort of things do I say?” said Anders anxiously.

“Things that bother you I’d imagine,” said Fenris evenly. “I know you miss it. You struggled with Hawke’s rejection. You feel inadequate. You fear…”

“Stop,” Anders interrupted. “Maker please just… stop.” He was paler than normal, his eyes haunted before he hid his face in his knees.

“Anders,” Fenris sighed.

“What you must think…”

Anders unfurled suddenly and darted for the door. Dozer jumped up and raced after him as fast as Fenris had. He caught up with the mage in the foyer and tackled him to the floor. He struggled until Fenris had his arms pinned and he was sitting on Anders’ legs to keep him immobile. They were both breathing heavily from the scuffle, Dozer circling and barking.

“Hush,” Fenris growled at the dog. “I will not hurt him.”

He whined as he stopped by Anders’ head and barked a couple of more times at Fenris.

“Shut up Dozer,” Anders yelled over his barking. “I’m fine.” Dozer whined and Anders giggled. “It’s a good thing he isn’t allowed in Hawke’s bedroom.”

“Anders,” Fenris said in exasperation. “What were you thinking?”

“I honestly don’t know,” he replied miserably. “I’m… horrified.”

“You don’t need to be,” said Fenris unable to keep all of his annoyance out of his voice. “If I didn’t want you here you wouldn’t be.”

After a long pause Anders nodded. “You’d better let me up before he has a breakdown.” His head tilted back so he could see Dozer, shifting his weight from foot to foot and still whining. “Seeing his two favorite people fighting has got to be confusing.”

Cautiously Fenris let go of one wrist. Anders made no aggressive moves and he straightened, still sitting on his legs. Fenris sighed heavily and scrubbed his face before holding a hand out to Dozer. “Would you stop.” Dozer sniffed his hand cautiously and Fenris scratched his neck while Anders patted his side. He only seemed a little calmer.

“Fenris,” Anders said flatly. “You’re sitting on me.”

“Yes,” he replied evenly.

Anders laced his fingers together and put them behind his head. “Would it help if I said I’m sorry?”

“Not particularly,” Fenris said crossing his arms over his chest. “You could tell me why you refuse to talk to Hawke about all this.”

“He’s burdened enough,” said Anders softly. “He doesn’t need me smothering him as well as scaring him with my… issues.”

“Have you no faith in him?” Fenris said trying to keep a hold of his anger. “He cares for you deeply.”

“What’s he getting though?” Anders said scowling. “A broken wretch who can’t resist a dangerous drug and can’t sleep in his own bed anymore because he misses the voice in his head.”

Fenris glanced at Dozer and barely managed to resist the urge to smack him. “Have you forgotten why you allowed Red to poison you?” he said tightly. Anders scowl deepened to a glare. “He feels responsible and you dodge his every effort to help.”

“Given the chance I would make the same decision,” Anders said furiously as he rose to a sitting position. “No one deserves to have their mind sundered like that.”

“Then you must deal with the consequences,” Fenris growled. “Maybe if you spoke to someone about the things you ramble on about when you’re asleep they could help you because you certainly can’t do it on your own.”

“Can’t I?” said Anders leaning closer.

“No. You can’t,” Fenris hissed.

Anders glared for a few more seconds then flopped back to the floor. Dozer whined again and he heaved a sigh that came from his toes. “You’re right,” he whispered. “If Hawke hadn’t shown up when he did last night I… It’s still bad. That’s where I would have ended up.”

“I did not see you through those weeks before the ritual only to have you fall apart now,” Fenris said leaning forward. His hands rested on the floor to either side of Anders’ head and their lips inches apart. “If you can’t talk to Hawke then talk to me. I… don’t know if I can help but… I would try.”

“Why?” said Anders softly. “You must think I’m weak.”

“I see a man who’s lost,” Fenris whispered. “His path was clear… set in stone. Now he fumbles in the forest looking for an animal trail that might lead him somewhere familiar. There are those who would guide you Anders.”

He reached up and gently brushed Fenris’ cheek. His eyes were searching, his frown thinning out to a puzzled line. Fenris leaned down a little further and tilted his head slightly. “Why have you not asked me?” he said softly.

“You never let me give you a kiss,” Anders said. “You’ve never seemed very interested either.”

“I am.”

Fenris pressed their lips together and the mage responded immediately. He felt the hand at his cheek move to the back of his neck. Anders’ lips parted and he thrust his tongue through. For long minutes they remained on the floor in the foyer, mushrooms growing from the rotted floorboards mere feet away, their tongues sliding together, hearts pounding. Anders groaned suddenly and moved beneath him. Their crotches brushed together briefly and Fenris clearly felt his arousal against his own. He broke the kiss and straightened.

“What do you want Anders?” Fenris asked earnestly.

“For you to finish what you’ve started,” Anders answered breathlessly.

“I can promise you nothing,” he said leaning over again.

“I’m no stranger casual itch scratching,” said Anders with a small smirk. “A moment of selfish desire might help. I’d certainly feel less inclined to fill my arse with something else.”

“Tell me to stop and I will,” said Fenris reaching for his shirt. “At any time. No questions no repercussions.”

“Shut up and fuck me already,” he said pulling Fenris down for another kiss.

The next few minutes were spent in thoughtless desire. Enough clothing was removed to bare the necessary bits, a palm full of grease ensured a smooth passage, and Fenris pounded into him right there on the floor among the dust, wreckage and a body that refused to properly decay. Anders held his legs behind his knees, trousers around his thighs, gasping and moaning, rolling his hips up into every thrust. Fenris drank in every moan, knowing that he wasn’t just acting the part.

It was only afterwards when they lay tangled together, breathless and sated, that he wondered just what he was doing. Anders lay unmoving and quiet, eyes shut and breathing heavily, his legs resting over Fenris’. He was smiling however and genuine ones, even something as small as what he currently saw, had been very rare lately. Fenris pulled out and listened to a contented sigh followed immediately by a huff from off to the side. Dozer lay on his stomach not too far away, his head resting on his paws watching them intently.

“He looks bored,” Anders said after a chuckle.

“At least he stopped whining,” Fenris said standing. He offered Anders his hand and said quietly, “Are you all right?”

“I feel better than I did a few minutes ago,” said Anders said gripping his hand. Fenris pulled him up and his smile faltered. “I don’t really want to talk tonight but… if you meant it… I’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Whenever you wish,” said Fenris pulling up his leggings. “I will listen and try to help as best as I can.”

“Thank you Fenris,” said Anders pulling him into a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how all of you feel about the healing cock trope but this isn't it. It's a heat of the moment kind of thing that just happened. Anders feeling calmer is a handy side effect but his state of mind is more or less the same. There might be some angst over this but I don't know yet.


	5. Chapter 5

Hawke checked his basket one more time before stepping out into Darktown. There were sandwiches, apples and a few cut up vegetables. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves and opened the cellar door. It wasn’t all that surprising when King came home the previous day. Hawke had fully expected Anders to stay with Fenris despite not telling him that morning. He was determined not to let Anders run from him this time and food was usually a good way to perk him up a little.

One of the doors to his clinic was open and he could see a few people waiting on the cots. Hawke barely got through when he received an unexpected greeting. Dozer ran up to him and barked, tail wagging happily. His nose went immediately to the basket and Hawke moved it up a little as he smiled.

“What are you doing here?” Hawke said scratching his head.

“Bit of a story to that,” Anders said from where he knelt in front of a boy with seriously scraped knees. He was gingerly rubbing salve across the red patches of skin, the boy’s mother standing beside him. “Give me a few minutes.”

“Take your time,” Hawke said patting Dozer’s side.

Dozer trotted back to Anders and sat, resting his muzzle beside the boy sitting on the cot. He smiled and patted Dozer’s head, ignoring Anders completely. Hawke set the basket on the desk and leaned against it watching as he waited. Anders wrapped bandages around the scrapes while Dozer contentedly soaked up the attention. When they were tied off neatly Anders stood and brushed off his pants.

“Come back tomorrow and I’ll change the dressings,” he said turning to the woman at his side. “Try to keep them dry and clean.”

“Thank you Healer,” she said gratefully.

“Is Dozer going to be here tomorrow too?” the boy asked as he stood. “He’s a really nice dog.”

“Probably,” said Anders smiling. “You be more careful. Jumping off of ledges is a good way to get broken bones.”

“Okay,” he replied sheepishly. “Thank you Healer.”

“You’re welcome,” Anders said stepping back.

He turned to the other occupied cot and Dozer followed the boy and his mother to the door, stopping halfway through to watch something outside before turning around. Hawke watched him trot to the back and lap at water that had been put in a bowl for him. Anders was talking softly with the young woman that had been sitting on the cot. They were walking towards the door and she nodded. He gripped her shoulder briefly and then they were alone.

“Well?” Hawke said. “What happened?”

“I tried to run away from Fenris last night,” Anders said sitting on the cot near the desk. “He tackled me in the foyer.”

“Why Anders?” Hawke said suddenly concerned. He sat next to him on the cot and put his arm around Anders’ shoulders.

“I talk in my sleep apparently,” he replied somewhat guiltily. “He says it stops when he sleeps with me so hopefully it won’t bother you.”

“Anders…”

“That’s not important right now. We… argued a bit and poor Dozer didn’t know what to think. I forgot he was there when we had sex and…”

“Hold up a minute,” said Hawke frowning in confusion. “When did you and Fenris have sex?”

“Last night,” Anders said slowly. “In the foyer. He was sitting on me and it just… sort of happened.”

“How do you go from arguing to sex?” he asked incredulously.

“I don’t know,” said Anders anxiously. “You’re not… angry at me are you?”

“No just… confused,” said Hawke pulling away. “I didn’t tell you this the other morning but I don’t really do casual sex. Once I figured out what I liked I didn’t have sex again until one of the neighbors and I started going out regularly.”

Several emotions flickered across his face. Hope turned into worry, worry changed to fear and fear turned into guilt. Anders gaze turned to his lap and he sighed. Hawke lifted his chin and gently turned his head.

“It’s all right Anders,” Hawke said gently. “Not everyone feels the way I do.”

“Casual is all I’ve ever had,” he said softly. “Love is a game in the Circle. You don’t dare give them something else to take away or hold over your head.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” said Hawke.

Anders nodded and smiled briefly. His hands knotted together in his lap then worry dominated his features. “The other morning… I hope you didn’t…I’m not… Andraste’s knickers.” He stood and began pacing restlessly. Dozer watched him from atop one of the other cots, head cocked to the side quizzically. Anders stopped and stared at the Mastiff for a moment then turned to him and continued in a rush, “You didn’t bring that up yesterday because you feel pressured do you?”

“No,” Hawke said smiling as he stood. He wrapped Anders in a hug and said quietly in his ear, “Do you know how many times I’ve tugged off imagining you behind me?”

He snorted and Hawke felt Anders’ arms slip around his back. “It might be a good thing Fenris seems to like topping.”

Hawke chuckled and rubbed his back. “Possibly.” He pulled away enough to see his face and smiled. “Don’t worry about me Anders. You can sleep with me if you need to and if you want sex we can do that too. There are feelings that come along with it though. Wait until you’re ready.”

“I have so many feelings…” said Anders looking lost. He shook his head and smiled. “Thank you Hawke.”

“You’re welcome,” he said warmly. “Now, about Dozer…”

Anders grinned and pulled away completely, sitting next to Dozer on the cot. “He watched us. After he figured we weren’t going to hurt each other he just went into the other room and lay on his blankets. I know you think he can help me… a companion of sorts. I’m still a cat person but I figured I can give him a chance.”

“I guess I’ll just have to remember to bring him some food too,” Hawke said smiling. “Let’s eat.”

After about an hour Hawke left Anders to his patients. He was glad that he seemed calmer than he had been the last few days. Hawke went straight to Fenris’ decrepit mansion. With the door closed behind him Hawke looked around the foyer and shuddered before hurrying up the stairs to the room Fenris occupied. The elf was gathering clothing in a basket and Hawke stopped in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Really Fenris?” Hawke said irritably. “In the foyer? Do you know how filthy it is out there? And what about that body? I thought you got rid of them all when Dozer began staying here.”

Fenris arched an eyebrow at him. “Dozer doesn’t go near it and it’s a deterrent for would be thieves. What are you talking about?”

“I’ve already spoken with Anders,” said Hawke sternly. “Don’t even try to play stupid.”

“Ah.” His cheeks colored slightly and he dropped the basket. “That.”

“Yes. That.”

“It just happened. I gave him ample opportunity…”

“I don’t doubt that Fenris. I’m sure it’s what you both wanted and that’s not what I’m upset about.”

“Then why are you upset?”

“There are mushrooms growing from the floorboards! Who knows what sort of diseases you have crawling around out there! Anders really should have known better. For the Maker’s sake keep it in your pants until you can get up here to a relatively clean bed!”

Fenris looked somewhere between annoyed and amused. Hawke continued to give him his mother’s patented disapproving glare and eventually he sighed and nodded. “If it happens again I promise it will happen up here. In a relatively clean bed.”

“Thank you,” said Hawke calmly. “Did you make any other progress?”

“He said he would talk tonight. I still don’t think I’m the best person for this Hawke.”

“Do your best Fenris. I’m pretty sure he won’t talk to me. Now that you have the sex thing cornered too I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Just… be there for him. I think his greatest fear is rejection.”

Hawke sighed and nodded.


	6. Chapter 6

Anders lay on his bed and stared up at what remained of the ceiling. His legs were stretched out and crossed at the ankle, his fingers laced behind his head on the pillow. He said he’d talk to Fenris tonight but found himself still extremely reluctant. The elf knew more of his past than Hawke did and he’d seen Anders at his worst recently so there was no fear of being thrown out from disgust. What troubled him most however was the hole Justice had left inside and as nice and accommodating as Fenris had been, that subject was still very touchy.

The other thing that bothered him was the cravings that never seemed to slack. Sometimes he could ignore them but other times, like the last five days or so, it was nearly impossible. Tonight only Fenris’ watchful gaze and the distance from his clinic had kept him clean. While he was trying to figure out how Fenris might be able to help without begging for more sex, that had done wonders for distracting him last night but he didn’t want to seem too needy to Fenris either, the elf sat on his bed.

“Tell me,” he said casually after taking a swig from the wine bottle he held. “About the previous Templars you mentioned in the cave.”

“Jog my memory,” said Anders rising up on his elbows. “What exactly did I tell you in the cave?”

“That Red was not the first Templar you’ve… allowed up your arse.”

He held his hand out and said, “Give me some of that wine first.”

Fenris narrowed his eyes and frowned. “If I am the cause of your next backslide Hawke will never let me hear the end of it. It’s bad enough that I had to promise him the next time we have sex it wouldn’t be in the filthy foyer with the mushrooms and the dead body.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Anders said dryly. “I didn’t enjoy that lecture and I have no desire to hear it again.”

“My apologies,” said Fenris sheepishly.

He held out the bottle and Anders took one long drink and handed it back. “I am happy to hear the phrase ‘the next time we have sex’ however. Hawke wasn’t angry with you was he?”

“Hawke wasn’t angry with either of us, just with where we chose to let desire overcome us.”

“No sex in the foyer. Got it.”

“The Templars…”

Anders sunk back down to the bed and laced his fingers. “You have to understand that sex was just another tool in the Tower. Karl was my first but… I learned you could wiggle your arse at certain Templars and blood would run right to their cocks leaving them more amenable. It was dangerous though. You had to know which Templars would deal and which ones would rather take.”

“One poor decision and you no longer have a choice,” said Fenris nodding.

“I never made a poor decision,” said Anders staring up through the hole in the ceiling. “Not in the Tower at least.”

“You admit this… deal wasn’t the best solution?”

“Considering how everything turned out it was about the worst decision I’ve ever made. I’d do it again though. I can’t stand the thought of Hawke ending up like Karl.”

“That is a disturbing thought.” Fenris put the bottle to his lips and Anders watched his Adam’s apple bob several times, wishing he dared to have another swig as well.

“Why did you ask?”

“We have to start somewhere.” He shrugged and set the wine on the floor. Fenris crawled over him and flopped onto his back. “I don’t understand why you still enjoy being taken. The thought fills me with dread.”

“Because it feels good,” said Anders shrugging. “Red is the only bad experience I’ve ever really had. He didn’t do anything to me that I hadn’t willingly done before… with a few horrible exceptions. I worked in a whore house in Denerim during one of my escapes. You’d be surprised how kinky some nobles are.”

“Try me,” Fenris snorted rolling to his side.

Anders rolled to his side as well, smirking. “I was popular because I’d do just about anything. The madam made quite a bit of coin off of me catering to her eccentric customers. There was one couple, a man and a woman. She’d screw me with a wine bottle while he watched. After they were all hot and bothered I’d screw him while she continued to screw me with the bottle. When I was completely spent they’d frantically fuck each other like I wasn’t there.”

“Odd,” Fenris scoffed. “Not kinky.”

“I’ve had two up my arse and one down my throat at the same time.”

“Tame.”

“Two brothers up my arse at the same time.” Fenris made a face and Anders chuckled. “Another couple. She’d bind his arms and his cock was locked up in some sort of device. He’d watch while I fucked the shit out of her.”

“Did he actually enjoy that?” said Fenris incredulously.

“Oh yes,” said Anders solemnly. “He’d always thank me profusely for taking care of his wife. You should have seen the way they looked at each other. There were never two people more dedicated to each other.”

“It seems you have always been rather free with your body,” Fenris said after a slightly awkward pause.

“Always. Even in Vigil’s Keep I never had to sleep alone unless I wanted to. You’ve no idea what an adjustment it was after Justice. I went from a vast choice of partners to the only choice of my hand. He was such a prude. He didn’t understand why I agreed to be used like that.” Anders rolled to his back and sighed. “It was just another deal. Another cock up my arse to get what I wanted. Except I never found it. Then he started showing up more often, between whoring me out to his buddies. And I didn’t figure out what was actually happening until it was far too late.”

Anders rolled to his side facing away from Fenris. He pulled his knees up and stared at the closed door, the cravings worse than ever. The elf was silent behind him. The bed creaked and he was surprised by Fenris molding himself to Anders’ body. Their hips were pressed together, his back flush with Fenris’ chest. Arms came around him and he could feel breath at the back of his neck. Fenris didn’t say another word the rest of the night but Anders took the comfort he silently offered, wanting but secure, knowing the elf wouldn’t let him leave even if he begged.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning was only slightly awkward. Fenris had never been much of a morning person but he was as quiet as Anders was. Anders stopped by the estate and picked up Dozer before going to his clinic. The dog had been surprisingly helpful the previous day. Most of his patients were Ferelden and his presence seemed to put them at ease. He also loved the attention they gave him and Anders almost hated to admit it was nice having him around when there were no patients to attend to.

The day went by in a blur and he joined Hawke and Fenris at the Hanged Man for card night. Normally it was a good distraction but Anders’ thoughts kept wandering. His conversation with Fenris the previous night had gone well but he wasn’t up to continuing it. The directions that it might take were things he didn’t want to speak about with anyone not just Fenris.

Both Hawke and Fenris knew most of what had actually gone on during those months he was fruitlessly searching. There was no need to rehash that or why he hadn’t told anyone. He hoped they understood why he’d been willing to let Red keep raping him even after they discovered his situation because he didn’t want to explain. Hawke being in danger had been the biggest and most important reason but there was another reason he didn’t even like to admit to himself, the addiction.

He despised Red and everything he’d forced Anders to endure. The very last thing he’d wanted was taking a cock that would split him open followed by Dozer again and he’d been terrified of it. The way he felt after those long nights, shaky, slow and thick, was more than enough for him to want it to end. There was a part of himself that had lamented his rescue however grateful he actually was. It was the bit that still wanted the lyrium.

Anders had thought that bit was Justice. The spirit had been absolutely obsessed with the high the lyrium gave him. He suspected in those weeks before the ritual, when Justice was content with Fenris’ glowing body but he wasn’t. Now that Justice was back in the Fade where he belonged Anders knew it wasn’t entirely him pushing for more. He wanted it too. The hole Justice had left was proving difficult to deal with anyway but when added to the constant struggle to resist that hungry beast Red had left him with Anders was at a loss some days. The thought of trying to explain this to anyone just made him want to bury his head in the sand.

With the decision of where he would sleep looming just ahead Anders weighed his choices. If he stayed with Hawke there was little chance of having to put his shameful want into words but the temptation to go down the cellar stairs would be great. The opportunity to backslide was small if he went with Fenris but there was a greater chance he’d have to admit that he desperately wanted his arse full of lyrium. Anders knew he could attach himself to Hawke and be reasonably sure he wouldn’t end up in his clinic. He still felt that Hawke needed some space however and that left Fenris. The elf might be distracted though.

Fenris hadn’t had nearly as much of what the Hanged Man passed off as wine as he normally did. Anders, under Hawke’s watchful gaze, had a couple of mugs of what Corff claimed was ale. While the awful taste wasn’t quite bad enough to make him want to swear off alcohol again it had given him a decent buzz. Neither of them was completely drunk but inhibited enough to be far less cautious than normal.

Since Anders doubted that Fenris would be swayed by his old seduction techniques he had to come up with something different. The unusually warm night gave him an idea. With a plan in mind Anders kissed Hawke on the cheek when they got to his door and continued on with Fenris, Dozer trotting happily ahead. He hoped Dozer would show as much interest as he had last time.

It didn’t take long to reach the decaying mansion and Anders was happy that it was just as warm inside, if not more so, than it was outside. Fenris quietly began the task of removing the metal bits of his armor after he propped his sword by his bed. Anders hung his coat off of the only remaining post at the foot of the bed and sat to take his boots off. When they were under the bed Fenris was sitting with his legs crossed on top of his, Dozer’s head in his lap.

Anders turned to hide his grin. Fenris was watching in his unobtrusive way, scratching and petting Dozer. He pulled his shirt off and dropped it to the floor. His pants joined his shirt moments later and he reached for the pants he slept in. Anders paused before straightening and shrugging his shoulders. He pushed down his small clothes and stepped out of them as he climbed up onto the bed. There was a soft snort behind him and Anders settled on his stomach in the middle.

“You are tempting me,” Fenris said evenly after a short silence.

“Is it working?” said Anders grinning as he rose up on his elbows.

“Possibly,” said Fenris with a tiny smirk.

He gently pushed Dozer aside and rose. Fenris crossed the distance unhurriedly and sat next to his bare arse. Dozer followed him over and sat, resting his muzzle on the bed near Anders’ head. He shifted and scratched behind his ear. Anders lowered himself, resting his head on one arm while he ran the other through Dozer’s soft fur, unsurprised by hands on his back.

“These are not all battle scars,” Fenris said softly tracing a large one near his heart.

“No,” Anders said twisting a little to see him. “I was whipped a few times before they stuck me in solitary.”

His fingers moved lower, gently brushing the slightly raised skin of scars made by a whip. “Why do you dismiss your own terrible experiences?”

“Because I was lucky,” Anders said softly. “A few scars are the least a Circle mage has to carry around. Mages die by their own hand in the Circle more often than anything else.”

Fenris sighed and silence descended. He continued to run his fingers along Anders’ back and Anders was content to let him. Dozer remained still as well, his eyes slowly drifting closed as he ran his fingers through the fur on his head.

“Go lay down Dozer,” Fenris said after a while.

Dozer huffed but stood. Anders watched him circle around in his blanket nest before he settled, head resting on his paws. Fenris hands disappeared then his weight from the bed was gone as well. He twisted around and saw that Fenris was bent over pushing his leggings off. Anders couldn’t help a grin as he straightened. His cock wasn’t completely erect but it wasn’t flaccid either. He reached underneath himself and made sure his own cock was pointed up before settling back onto the bed. Soon enough he felt Fenris climb onto the bed and straddle his legs. Anders hummed happily at the hands on his arse, rubbing and squeezing.

“This is what you want?” Fenris asked softly rubbing his entrance gently.

“Yes,” Anders said smiling.

He put one arm behind his back and conjured a palm full of grease. Fenris scooped it up and Anders wiped his hand off on the side of the sheets. Unlike their first frantic encounter this was slow. Fenris teased him with his fingers until he whimpered and begged. They ended up on their knees, Anders clinging to the arms around him, the steady thrust of his cock maddening, head thrown back while Fenris sucked and bit at his neck.

There was no talk when they were finally spent. Fenris sat beside him while they caught their breath, Anders curled up contentedly on top of his sheets. He was slightly disappointed when Fenris stood and crossed over to his bed but it was nothing he wasn’t expecting. Anders fell asleep wondering if Hawke would cuddle with him afterwards, his troubles momentarily forgotten.


	8. Chapter 8

“This isn’t working,” Fenris said flopping into the chair in front of him.

Hawke leaned back in his chair and scrubbed his beard. They were at the Hanged Man in the common room. Even though this was when Anders seemed to have the most trouble he’d insisted that Hawke and Fenris still have a night out by themselves. In the two weeks since their last date night Anders seemed only a tiny bit calmer in his opinion. He’d been back in his estate for five days and so far he’d knocked on the bedroom door in the middle of the night each one, apologetic and nervous.

Fenris held a hand up and Norah nodded. “I have learned more of his past than his current problems,” he continued irritably. “I ask him specific questions and he evades answering. I ask general questions and he deflects. He is very good at distracting me before a conversation starts.”

“Distracting you?” said Hawke frowning in confusion. “How?”

The tips of his ears turned pink as Norah slammed a mug of ale in front of him. Coin changed hands and Fenris further evaded answering by draining half of it. Hawke sighed and leaned forward. Since there were only a few possibilities and Anders was too cheerful for an argument that left sex. He really didn’t want to know just how often they knocked boots and he fought down a stab of jealousy that neither of them seemed to want to include him.

“Hawke…” Fenris said uncomfortably.

“No,” he sighed. “Don’t apologize. I’ve told you before that if you aren’t going to commit I don’t want it.”

“He uses it as a distraction but… it helps him,” said Fenris sinking in his chair. “Afterwards he’s… almost peaceful for a short time.”

“And yet he still acts like I’ll throw him out when he knocks on my door in the small hours of the morning,” Hawke said leaning back in his chair. “I haven’t given him any reason to think that. It’s maddening.”

“I don’t know Hawke,” Fenris sighed.

“I don’t know either,” he said dejectedly. Hawke sipped at his own ale and shook his head as he sat up straight. “All right. New plan. You keep… distracting him. Anders does seem a little calmer since… ahem. I’ll just have to see if I can break through somehow and get him to talk to me.”

“Are you sure?” said Fenris. His expression was a strange mix of relief and guilt. “I don’t… you are…” He growled in frustration and drained the last of his mug.

Hawke smiled and reached across the table. “We all agreed to give this a try as adults. I’ll admit to a bit of envy but I won’t come between the two of you. Whatever happens with us… if anything happens at all… will be when we’re _both_ ready for it.” Fenris nodded, a tiny smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. “Let’s go upstairs and have a few rounds of cards. I’m worried about Anders but he’ll be suspicious if I come back too early.”

He spent another hour and a half in Varric’s suite losing coin to the elf and the dwarf. When he arrived home his disquiet increased before the front door was closed. King and Dozer were both at the cellar door making a terrible racket. Bodahn was trying to get the door open. Sandal was attempting to calm the dogs and his mother, recently returned from a trip to visit friends in Redcliffe, stood in the hallway looking very exasperated.

Without apologizing or explaining, Hawke blew the door off of its hinges. Both dogs raced down the stairs and he was at their heels. The Darktown door was shut but not locked. The lamp unlit and both doors to Anders’ clinic were locked. King and Dozer both started scratching and barking at the left one however. Hawke pounded on the door twice and yelled through it. He didn’t hear a reply over the dogs.

“I’m coming in Anders!” Hawke yelled after two more quick raps.

It only took a couple of good hits with his shoulder and the right door popped open. He hurried in but stopped after a couple of steps. Anders was curled up on a cot facing away from the door, his sleep pants around his knees, an empty glass vial protruding from his backside. Dozer ran past but King stopped next to him. The Mabari howled mournfully and Hawke stroked his back while Dozer stopped in front of the cot. He whimpered and sat, his muzzle coming to rest on the cot.

“I’m sorry,” Anders slurred softly. He reached out a shaking hand and gripped Dozer’s collar.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Hawke said gently. “I would have stayed home with you.”

“Just… a burden. I… wanted it… so bad.”

Hawke held in a sigh and walked over to the cot. Anders curled up tighter, like he was trying to get away. He sat on the edge, his leg touching Anders’ back, and gently gripped his arm. There were several things he wanted to say but he didn’t say any of them. They were all things he’d said before. King barked and pawed at the floor when Hawke looked. Underneath the nearest cot was another empty lyrium vial and he sighed heavily.

“You should go back upstairs,” Anders said slowly. “I won’t bother you…”

“Absolutely not,” Hawke said starting to get angry. “You aren’t staying down here in this condition and if I have to follow you around for the next month you _will understand how much I want to help you_.”

He carefully plucked the vial from his arse and flung it across the room. It shattered on the floor several feet away and Anders flinched. Hawke stood and moved around the cot. There was very little left of his irises and Hawke grimaced as he hauled the mage up to a sitting position. He pushed weakly at Hawke’s hands.

“Let me help you!” Hawke exclaimed in frustration. “Please!”

Dozer whined and nosed at one of his hands. Anders dropped them to his lap and looked down and away. “I didn’t want you to see me like this again.”

Hawke held him steady with a hand at his shoulder and gently turned Anders’ head until their eyes met. “I care about you,” he said softly. “This happened because… you were protecting me. Please Anders… whatever you need…”

Several moments dragged endlessly by. Finally Anders nodded slightly and leaned forward until his head rested on Hawke’s chest. “A bath. Sleep.”

“Let’s get you up to the estate,” Hawke said rubbing his shoulders with one hand and running his fingers through his loose hair with the other.

Anders leaned on him heavily when Hawke pulled him up a few minutes later. Getting his pants up was an awkward chore but he managed. King led the way and Dozer stayed right beside him as they shuffled up the stairs. Hawke made a mental note to get Anders’ door fixed but the cellar door would have to be replaced. Bodahn and Sandal were trying to get it back on the frame but there was no point. Hawke sent them to bed and headed for the stairs.

His mother stepped out of her room when he was about halfway up. “Is everything all right?” she asked tiredly.

“Yes,” Hawke said evenly. “Just a little backslide.”

She frowned slightly and said, “Do you need help with anything?”

“We’ll be fine Mother,” said Hawke soothingly. “I’ll get him cleaned up and into bed.”

Leandra nodded and watched as they shuffled past. Hawke had told her Anders’ problem was with alcohol rather than lyrium. He knew she didn’t understand why he was dating Anders and Fenris at the same time but she hadn’t asked him about it yet. She had also not asked about why Anders woke in his bed. It was only a matter of time before she did however.

King and Dozer stood guard at the door while Hawke helped Anders bathe. The healer hadn’t said a single word since they’d left the clinic and Hawke was very worried. With only a towel around his waist Hawke supported Anders to his room. He looked ready to protest but Hawke shook his head as they shuffled over.

“I won’t leave you by yourself,” Hawke said quietly.

Anders nodded and sat heavily on the edge. The blankets were pulled down and Anders lay on his side, the towel still wrapped around his waist. He closed his eyes and Anders seemed to be asleep within seconds. Hawke pulled the blankets up over him and turned to close his door. Dozer was standing in the middle, head down and tail low, his doll clamped between his teeth.

Hawke knelt and scratched his head. “You can stay,” he whispered. “Just not on the bed.”

Dozer joined King at the foot of his bed and Hawke closed the door. He readied himself for bed and climbed in behind Anders, scooting as close as he could, an arm around him. Hawke lay awake for quite some time, listening to his even breathing.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short but man was it stubborn. =/

A cold wet nose on his cheek pulled Anders out of his restless slumber. He groaned and rolled away onto his back. Dozer woofed and his nose was now moving up his arm to his shoulder.

“Go away,” Anders mumbled tiredly as he rolled again.

Dozer was persistent however. Anders felt the hot snuffling breath at the back of his neck. He shuddered and turned quickly to his other side, scowling. His front half was draped across the bed; his front paws spread wide and not even an inch between their noses.

“You aren’t supposed to be on the bed,” he said slowly.

He heard the door moments later and Hawke’s stern voice. “Off the bed.”

The mastiff backed away quickly and sat, looking up in a dog version of an innocent smile. His tail thumped against something on the floor and Anders rolled his eyes. He pulled the blanket over his head and held in a sigh.

“Anders,” Hawke said gently. “Come out of there. I know you’re awake.”

“No I’m not,” he mumbled sullenly.

“I have food,” said Hawke sounding closer.

The mattress dipped beside him and Anders reluctantly uncovered his head. Hawke was leaning against the headboard, a breakfast tray on his lap. He rose up on one elbow to see what was on it. A bland bowl of porridge and a roll didn’t look very appetizing. There were berries rolling around on the tray however. Hawke smiled and lifted the roll revealing two slices of ham underneath. Even though he felt horrible for sneaking down to his clinic last night he smiled. It faded quickly as he sat up. His hands were still a little shaky. He scooted back against the headboard and sighed.

“Hawke,” he began.

“Eat first,” Hawke interrupted. “It’ll get cold.”

Anders nodded and pulled the blanket up to his waist before Hawke set the tray on his lap. He watched Hawke wrestle with Dozer while he ate slowly noticing that he still hadn’t changed out of his clothes from the previous day. Anders took a bite of ham and looked to the window. It was later than when he normally woke but the morning was still young. There were dark circles under his eyes and Hawke wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as normal.

“Did you sleep at all?” Anders asked feeling worse than he had before.

“Not much,” Hawke said reluctantly from his position on the floor.

He sighed and set aside his half eaten breakfast. “I should…”

“Stay right there and finish eating,” said Hawke firmly. He pushed Dozer off of his lap and stood. “You were pretty restless. You’re still shaking too.” Hawke scrubbed his face and pulled at his short hair. “All those mornings… I understand what was going on now. What you were trying so badly to keep from me.”

“I couldn’t,” Anders said desperately turning away. He scooted down and swung his legs to the floor, staring at his trembling hands in his lap. “Karl… I couldn’t let that happen. I didn’t like seeing you suffer but… better suffering than nothing at all.”

“I understand why,” said Hawke softly. He knelt in front of Anders and took his hands. “I wish I’d known sooner. I could have stopped your suffering.”

“I couldn’t…”

Hawke crawled forward a little and wrapped his arms around Anders’ waist, his head resting high on his stomach. “I know love,” he whispered. “And I appreciate that you put my safety over yours but I’m not at risk anymore. Why are you still pushing me away?”

Anders sat there dumbstruck for a moment then held Hawke to him. He hadn’t allowed anyone so close for such a long time. Fenris still kept that careful distance despite how often he ended up under the powerful elf. The thought of actually committing himself to either of them was frightening but the thought of losing them was positively petrifying.

“I’m not trying to,” Anders whispered. “I’m… so lonely. Justice…” He closed his eyes briefly and shook his head. “You… I don’t want to chase you away.”

“Whatever you need,” Hawke said looking up at him. “I just want to help.”

He had never been so keenly aware of his lack of clothing. Anders looked into Hawke’s eyes and suddenly wanted nothing more than him to be naked as well. Hawke rose slowly without breaking eye contact. His first impulse was to lay back and pull Hawke down on top of him. Instead he moved his hands to Hawke’s cheeks and gently pulled him forward until their lips met.

Tentative at first Anders pressed lightly, his head tilted to the side. Hawke’s mouth opened and Anders pushed his tongue through. Without breaking the kiss Hawke pushed on his shoulders, crawling onto the bed. Anders went willingly, his hands moving to Hawke’s sides. He felt something hard under his shoulder moments before his half full bowl of porridge spilled.

“Shit!” he exclaimed when Hawke straightened abruptly.

“Maker I’m sorry,” Hawke said apologetically trying to scoop off the lukewarm mess from his shoulder and neck. “I just…”

“It’s all right Hawke,” Anders said with a small smile. “There’s always later.”

Hawke smiled briefly followed quickly by a stern frown. “Dozer!”

Anders turned just in time to see the mastiff hurrying out the partially open door with the last slice of ham hanging from his mouth. He wrapped his arms around Hawke to prevent him from following and chuckled. “Let him have it love,” he said. “I think… I have a few things to confess. If… you want to hear them.”

“I do,” Hawke said earnestly. He cupped Anders’ jaw and leaned closer before frowning. “I think we need a bath first.”

He smiled despite the sticky wetness now on his cheek as well as his shoulder and pulled Hawke closer, feeling slightly better than he had minutes ago. Anders wasn’t looking forward to admitting what had driven him down to his clinic but he wasn’t making any progress on his own. He didn’t know how to deal with the loss of Justice and the addiction made everything difficult. Anders held tightly to him for a moment, terrified but hopeful.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all let me apologize for the terrible wait. Goofy work schedule + ten hours of sleep in three days = one large case of exhaustion. Second, it's a little short again. Thanks for sticking with me. =)

Anders sat curled up in one of the chairs in the upper part of the study. He wore a pair of Hawke’s pajamas, sipping a cup of tea while he gathered his courage. Hawke sat in a chair opposite him, also wearing a pair of pajamas. He waited patiently with a concerned look trained on him.

“You know I feel very lonely most of the time,” Anders began. “He was always there… and now he’s not.”

Hawke nodded and gestured at the closed door. “Doesn’t Dozer help?”

“He does,” said Anders with a small smile. “He’s… surprisingly effective sometimes. At the clinic he loves all the attention he gets. When it’s just me… all he seems to want is to put his head in my lap. Most of the time I convince myself I can’t be bothered to move him.”

“Last night?”

“It’s… always there. I thought it would get easier but it hasn’t.”

“The lyrium?” Hawke asked softly.

“Even now I want it,” said Anders as he nodded and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. “I’m still shaking but… there’s a bit that can’t get enough. It gets… very hard to ignore sometimes.”

“Even with Justice gone?”

“He made trying to stop impossible which was what Red wanted. Keep both of us more concerned about the drug than fighting him.”

“Or what he was forcing you to do,” said Hawke frowning.

He stood and crossed the distance between them, sitting on the arm of Anders’ chair. Still clutching the tea cup Anders leaned against him, head resting against his stomach. His arm slipped around Anders’ shoulders.

“If it was just one or the other,” Anders said softly. “But it’s not.”

“We’ll figure out something,” Hawke said gently squeezing his shoulders.

“I hope so,” Anders whispered.

They sat in silence for a while. Anders didn’t know if Hawke had anything particular in mind but he hoped something could help. It was overwhelming trying to figure out how to cope with the addiction when he missed Justice so badly. He had tried to push his problems away, distract himself so that he didn’t have to deal with them. Last night with nothing to do and no one besides Dozer and King to keep him company he couldn’t resist the constant nagging want.

“Why haven’t you said anything?” Hawke asked. “We could have made sure you wouldn’t be alone.”

“You shouldn’t have to… baby sit me,” Anders sighed sitting up straight. “I shouldn’t need someone constantly holding my hand telling me no.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Hawke said reproachfully. “If just being with someone helps then I’ll gladly stay home with you. Fenris would stay home with you.”

“And if you’re both constantly with me when are you supposed to be with each other?” Anders set the tea cup on a nearby table and stood. “I can be quite annoying. I don’t want either of you to get sick of me. That would…” He shook his head and turned away.

“Anders,” Hawke said standing as well. “We aren’t always with you. We spend plenty of time together while you’re working at your clinic.” He moved in front of Anders and wrapped his arms around him. “There are times when I find you highly annoying but that doesn’t mean I love you less.”

“Hawke…”

“If you need me here with you, I’ll stay home. I don’t want to be your jailer or even your conscience. I want to help you get through this. I’m partly responsible after all. We…”

“You aren’t responsible for my terrible decisions,” Anders said. He sighed heavily and backed away enough to see him. “No one forced me to join with Justice. I thought I could find out where and who on my own. I didn’t think about why he insisted on using lyrium potions for lubricant until that hungry bit started looking forward to his visits. I’ve done this to myself. You are not at fault. Your support right now means more to me than I’ll ever be able to say but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice any part of your life because I’m foolish and weak.”

“Right now,” Hawke said tightly with a deep frown. “I’d just really like to shake some sense into you. Since I doubt that would help I’m going to try and explain once more. Let’s set aside who’s responsible for a moment. Regardless of how this came about, it hurts me to see you struggle with this. What would I really be sacrificing by keeping you company? Nothing. I leave you at home and come back to find the dogs barking at the door you barred to prevent them from following. I find you as high as a kite and discover that if I had simply stayed home you might have found the strength to keep clean. I offer and _still_ you keep pushing me away. _That really hurts_.”

Anders opened his mouth to protest but Hawke squeezed his shoulders tightly and shook his head.

“I’m not finished,” he said tersely. “Are you really so ashamed of what happened that you think I couldn’t possibly still want you in my life? Well I do. If that means I don’t get to go out and drink terrible ale as often then so be it. What do I have to do Anders? How can I convince you that it’s all right to lean on me if you need to?”

Flabbergasted Anders stood there for a moment. Hawke was still frowning, his hands still gripping his shoulders tightly but worry lines creased his forehead. He shuffled forward and buried his face into Hawke’s neck and held him tightly. Anders felt Hawke’s arms circle his shoulders, one drifting down to his side and the other rubbing circles on his shoulder blade. After a while he turned his head to the other side.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“I hate seeing you like this,” Hawke said. “Let us help.”

“All right,” Anders said nodding slightly. “Hawke?”

“Yes?”

“Do you like… cuddling? After sex I mean. Fenris is amazing but he won’t snuggle with me afterwards. Only when I’m not sleeping well.”

“I’ll cuddle with you whenever you want.”

“Could we… I didn’t sleep well and you…”

“Absolutely.”

Hawke kissed the back of his head and Anders held him tighter.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter earlier than expected. Sorry about the horrible wait. Hopefully I'm on track again. Enjoy. =)

A full day later Anders sat on a cot in his clinic. It was a rare day when no one from Darktown needed his services and it was especially troublesome today when he needed the distraction. Everything that had happened during the previous two weighed heavily on his mind. He felt horrible about his backslide and that he’d inadvertently been hurting Hawke. Anders hadn’t spoken of his problems after they woke from their nap but he had gone to bed with him later that night, starting off in his room rather than attempting to sleep by himself. That likely wouldn’t have ended well.

Now that he’d admitted to the horrible cravings he didn’t particularly feel better about it. In fact he felt a little worse. Hawke had said he was sacrificing nothing by staying home and holding his hand but it wouldn’t always be that way. If Anders couldn’t learn to deal with them by himself he would be nothing but a burden. That brought him back to Justice and what had caused him to backslide in the first place. It was a maddening circle that he didn’t know how to break.

Dozer broke his train of thought by dropping the broken off end of a broom handle in his lap. He stepped back, tongue lolling as he panted, tail wagging eagerly back and forth. Anders tossed it listlessly down the aisle between the cots. Dozer watched it then turned back to him, looking almost reproachful. The Mastiff trotted after it and dropped it in his lap again. Anders sighed and tossed it a little harder, refusing to believe he’d just been chastised by a dog. Dozer didn’t race after the broom handle like he did when Fenris threw a stick for him but he barked happily and trotted down the aisle.

Rather than trot back to him after he had it in his powerful jaws, Dozer looked at the doors intently. When Fenris opened one his tail began moving rapidly and he hurried over. Anders watched, his heart sinking a little as the elf greeted Dozer, expertly patting and rubbing despite the sharp claws he wore. He pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, trying to be small and unnoticed despite being the only reason Fenris would be down here in his clinic. Sure enough Fenris turned to him after tossing the broom handle out the door.

“Will you avoid me now?” he asked evenly walking down between the cots.

“I hadn’t planned on it,” Anders said carefully. “Maybe for a few days. You haven’t let me avoid you for a while now though.”

“If I had done as you asked I would be losing sleep,” Fenris said turning back towards the door when he stood even with the cot Anders sat on. “And you would be in much worse condition.”

“I’m aware of that,” he replied irritably. “It doesn’t make dealing with my _condition_ any easier.”

Dozer trotted up to him and Fenris took the broom handle. He threw it out the open door and Dozer raced after it. Fenris turned towards him, his voice and expression annoyingly calm. “And not accepting Hawke’s help has?”

“Obviously not,” Anders growled squeezing his knees tighter. “I’m trying to think of someone besides myself.”

“That’s its influence,” said Fenris dismissively. “You’ve given me many examples of how selfish you were before you let it control you.”

“Justice did not control me.” Anders unfurled and shot to his feet, his hands clenched into fists. “It didn’t turn out the way we thought it would but he _did not_ control me.”

“Really,” Fenris said stepping forward. “That’s why you spent weeks with me before Hawke figured out how to separate you from it? Because it didn’t have any control?”

“He was just as addicted to the damn lyrium as I am. Justice didn’t understand the physical consequences. That’s why Hawke was searching in the first place.”

“And you do?” Fenris sneered and stalked forward until they were nearly nose to nose. “That’s why you just can’t stay away from it? Why you sent us both away?”

“I did not…” Anders began furiously.

In a blur of motion he found himself against the nearby wall, gasping for breath at the impact. Fenris was pressed tightly against him, his wrists held in the elf’s vicelike grip. “That’s right,” Fenris snarled softly. “Deny it. You sabotage yourself. Hawke would stay home and happily keep you from the cellar. If he’s busy you could come to me. I would distract you. Watch you sleep peacefully afterwards. But no. You insist on being alone. Why?”

It took only a moment for Anders to realize what his recent actions must look like to the elf. He shook his head and the tension drained from his body, his fury replaced by guilt. “Not on purpose,” he said softly still wheezing a little. “I have been sabotaging myself but not on purpose.”

“Explain it then,” Fenris said tersely.

A snapping sound followed immediately by a yelp drew their attention. Dozer was standing a few feet away, the already broken broom handle lying in two pieces by his front paws. Anders cursed as Fenris let go and stepped away, Dozer whining.

“Stupid dog,” Anders muttered kneeling in front of him. Dozer shook his head and tried to back away. “Fenris could you keep him still and open his mouth please?”

Without a word Fenris straddled the Mastiff, holding him in place with his knees while he pulled off his gauntlets. They were dropped to the floor and Anders scratched Dozer’s neck while he muttered soothing nonsense. Dozer wasn’t happy with Fenris prying his jaws open so Anders tried to be swift. The roof of his mouth had a shallow cut from the jagged end of the stick his powerful jaws had snapped. Quickly he made sure there were no splinters and cast a healing spell.

“Let him go,” said Anders when the cut had closed.

Dozer backed away from them and Fenris turned. They watched him shake his head and try to lick the roof of his mouth. Fenris knelt down and held out his hand. Anders shuffled forward next to him and held out his hand as well. Dozer shook his head again and cautiously stepped forward, eyes darting back and forth as he snuffled at them. Anders sighed heavily as they both scratched at Dozer’s neck.

“We really need to not do this in front of him,” said Anders softly. “It’s like arguing in front of a child.”

Fenris grunted noncommittally and continued to pet and scratch Dozer. Anders sighed again and slowly pushed himself to his feet. He bent over and gathered Fenris’ gauntlets, holding them out when the elf finally looked at him.

“Let’s go somewhere else,” Anders said. “There’s nothing to do here anyway.”

“Up through the cellar,” said Fenris as he stood. “I’m not done.”

He snatched his gauntlets and pulled them on as he walked away. Anders followed him quietly. They left Dozer with Bodahn, much to the dog’s displeasure, and continued on to his dilapidated home. Fenris hadn’t said a word on the way and he still didn’t when they arrived. He simply turned an expectant gaze on him after they’d made it to the top of the stairs.

“I promise you I haven’t been sneaking down there,” said Anders. He shuffled across the room and flopped onto his bed. “That was the first time since I got drunk.”

“That doesn’t explain anything,” Fenris said tersely standing over him.

“I don’t want to be the center of attention,” Anders snapped. “I want you two to be lovers as much as I want the both of you. If either of you is constantly with me then you’re not with each other. If I’m so weak I can’t handle one night by myself then maybe I’m not worth the trouble.”

“I’ve been told it’s not easy to break a lyrium addiction,” he said cautiously after a moment. “Your stubborn resolve is one of your better qualities. You are not weak. Merely stupid.”

“Are you trying to piss me off?” Anders growled sitting upright.

“Being nice hasn’t worked,” Fenris snapped back. “If making you furious is the only way to make you see sense then I will provoke you at every opportunity.”

“That isn’t going to help.” He crossed his arms over his chest and glared up at Fenris. “I promised Hawke yesterday I wouldn’t keep turning away his help. I know I’ve been being stupid now. Rubbing my nose in it isn’t going to make me want yours anymore.”

“I am not trying to rub your nose in anything,” Fenris sighed. He propped his sword next to Anders staff and sat next to him. “We have always fought. You argue with everything you have. I thought…”

“Making me angry would take my mind off of my problems?” said Anders when he trailed off in frustrated silence.

“Yes. I am furious with you though. You have spurned us both repeatedly.”

“I know and I’m really sorry. I do need to be distracted sometimes. When it’s overwhelming trying to deal with the cravings and missing Justice.”

“Sex isn’t always a grand idea though. Varric might protest if I took you against his wall.”

“Almost certainly.” Anders flopped back to the bed and sighed. “It’s not much of a problem when I’m around others. I just… I miss him.”

Fenris glanced back at him then shifted slightly. He swung his leg over and sat on Anders’ thighs, smirking as he worked off his gauntlets. “Maybe if you thought about it less and us more.”

“That might work,” said Anders smiling as he tossed the claws to the floor and leaned over him. Fenris leaned closer but stopped immediately when Anders put his palm against his chest. “Fenris, you won’t be mad if Hawke and I do this too?”

“No,” Fenris said softly.

“What about you and him?”

“Hawke wants more than I am willing to give right now.” Fenris shifted his weight to one hand and brushed a stray hair off of his forehead, giving him a small smile. “It would hurt him too much when I would leave. You accept what I can give. I know how you both feel for each other but I am not ready.”

“It feels a little weird,” Anders said moving his hands to Fenris’ sides. “In the Tower sleeping around was expected. In Amaranthine with Nathaniel, he would have had a fit. Hawke knows, and I don’t think he minds.”

“He doesn’t. We have spoken of this too.”

Anders smiled and pulled him down, glad for a distraction and ecstatic that he hadn’t managed to alienate either of his boyfriends.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little short but I'm sure you won't mind. =)

Hawke arrived home just before supper from an ill-timed plea for help from Aveline. Anders had promised to be here when he returned however. His worries were eased immediately as he entered the foyer. Dozer was lying in front of the hearth sound asleep and Anders was sitting on the floor with Sandal. King trotted towards the kitchen and Hawke squatted down in front of Anders and Sandal. It was nice to see something besides guilt and pain in his expression.

“Hello Anders, Sandal,” he said cheerfully.

“Hello,” Sandal said smiling. “I like Anders.”

“I like him too,” said Hawke with a wide grin.

“Thank you Sandal,” Anders said still smiling. “Show me more later?”

The dwarf nodded and turned his attention back to the various objects scattered in front of him. Anders rose and Hawke rose with him.

“It’s nice to see you smiling,” Hawke said softly as he headed for the stairs.

“I’m trying not to focus on things,” Anders said as he shrugged.

“Seems to be working,” said Hawke taking his hand and threading their fingers together.

“Sort of.” Anders’ smile became a little strained. “As well as anything else."

Hawke held in a sigh. “I’m glad you’re here at any rate.”

“I did promise.” Anders smile became small but genuine as they entered his bedroom. He sat on the bed and watched Hawke shed his armor. “I spent most of the day with Fenris. No one needed me at the clinic. He was… a little angry.”

“Is everything all right?” Hawke asked in concern. “I didn’t get a chance to tell him everything.”

“Yeah. We’re still all right.” He sighed heavily and scrubbed his face. “He thought I’ve been sending you both away to sneak down and get a fix. I’ve been so stupid… I promised him too.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Hawke said gently sitting next to him. “Carver’s told me how addictive lyrium is and losing Justice on top of that… you’ve done well to only slip twice. We’ll get there Anders.”

“I hope so,” he said softly. “I can’t run away from myself.”

He put his arm around Anders’ back and he leaned into him. They sat quietly for a few minutes, each giving and receiving comfort from the other. After a while Anders shifted slightly. His hand came to rest on Hawke’s knee, his cheek on Hawke’s shoulder. He could feel Anders’ breath on his neck and promptly banished some inappropriate thoughts.

“Would you mind if I moved my things up here?” Anders said his voice still soft. “I don’t think I’ll be spending too much time sleeping in my room. I don’t really like sleeping alone.”

“I don’t mind,” Hawke said evenly. He smiled and resisted the sudden urge to kiss Anders. “I’ve already told you I’ve wanted you in my bed for a while.”

Anders chuckled and his hand rose a little higher on his thigh. “That _will_ be nice. Not exactly why I’m asking though. After we were through yelling and rolling around on the bed we actually spent some time talking.”

“Rolling around on the bed?” Hawke said amused and disappointed at the same time. “What is it about yelling that turns you two on?”

“No clue,” said Anders smirking. His hand crept a little higher and he turned a little more, sitting upright with Hawke’s hand now resting on the small of his back. “Anyway, since I was taken to the circle I haven’t really slept by myself that much.”

“In the same room or the same bed?” Hawke asked focusing on his face rather than his hand.

“Both. Apprentices all sleep in a one big room. It wasn’t unusual to pair up in the middle of winter either. On my escapes, the ones that lasted longer than days or weeks, I’d charm my way into someone’s bed more often than not. After I got conscripted I spent more time in Nathaniel’s room than mine.”

“Here?”

“Justice. I was never truly alone after we joined. But now I’m always alone.”

“You aren’t,” said Hawke cupping his cheeks. “Not always.”

Anders smiled and leaned forward a little. “Do you think your mother would mind us being late for supper?”

“Why would we be late for supper?”

“Because I really want you.”

His hand moved again and Hawke spread his legs a little further apart. He pulled Anders to him and their lips crashed together. Hawke didn’t understand why Anders had chosen this moment but he wasn’t about to stop and ask. Anders’ hand rubbed him through his trousers as they kissed. He decided right then that all clothes had to go. Hawke, without breaking the wonderful kiss that he’d been dreaming about for months, pulled him upright. They parted long enough to pull shirts over heads, hands tugging at pants then wandering over bare skin.

They managed to step out of their trousers without falling or separating. Hawke was ecstatic when Anders suddenly broke the kiss and turned him around. Anders hands held them tightly together with his stiff length nestled between Hawke’s cheeks. Lips brushed his neck, hot breath made him shiver with excitement. Gently Anders encouraged him down and Hawke lay on his stomach across the bed. He felt Anders over him, hands sliding up his back and felt kisses along his shoulder.

“Do you want me to stretch you first?” Anders whispered between kisses.

“Maker no,” Hawke moaned. He’d probably regret his impatience later but at the moment the only thing he wanted was Anders over him and thrusting inside of him.

Apparently Anders was as impatient as Hawke was. Time had ceased to have meaning during that first wonderful kiss but for Hawke it broke down further as he felt his cheeks spread and fingers rubbing hastily conjured grease. He felt Anders pushing slowly through his entrance and he gripped fistfuls of his bedding. There was nothing but Anders, thrusting deep and slow, the breath gusting close to his ear and his own pleased groans.

“I love you,” Anders panted breathlessly.

“Anders…”

So focused on each other neither of them noticed Leandra at the door Hawke hadn’t completely shut. She quietly pulled the door closed and turned away, a small but slightly confused smile breaking the worry lines along her forehead. Afterwards they lay across the bed, their feet and lower legs entwined and hanging over the edge. Their arms were around each other, content for the moment just to be together.


	13. Chapter 13

Fenris sat on his favorite chair in front of the hearth. Hawke sat across from him, King lying by his feet. It had been nearly a month since Anders had slipped. He had found out the day after their discussion about his sleeping habits that Anders had moved into Hawke’s room. Fenris didn’t have to be told that the two mages had finally admitted their feeling to one another.

Anders had been much calmer the last three weeks. Hawke informed him that he talked less in his sleep and often clung to him. Despite the sex he was no doubt having with Hawke, it didn’t affect his desire for Fenris. The mage would show up, often spending the night, at least twice a week. Fenris and Hawke had never discussed their sexual activities with their mutual partner. Aside from asking if he minded Anders didn’t volunteer information either. Given what he knew of Anders’ past Fenris suspected the sheer amount of sex he was getting was helping to calm him.

There were still bad days. Anders was much better at seeking one of them out when the clinic wasn’t enough of a distraction. One of the nights Anders had shown up here at the mansion he’d told Fenris the estate was too close. Sex was a given at this point but Fenris would do his best to keep Anders talking beforehand. Sometimes it was easy, asking about better times in the past or recalling some of their more disastrous outings with Hawke. He rarely spoke of Red or Justice.

“He’s doing better,” Fenris said. “He seeks us out.”

“Yes,” Hawke sighed. “I know. There’s still something bothering him though. He…” He sighed again and scratched his beard. “Sometimes when he clings to me it’s different. Please tell me you’ve noticed something.”

“I haven’t. Perhaps if you explained…”

“Most of the time it’s just cuddling for the sake of cuddling. Sometimes he… wraps himself around me. His hands fisted in my shirt… like I’m the only thing actually keeping him there. Lately though… it’s like… he’s afraid I’ll disappear. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”

“We’ve spoken of his past lately,” said Fenris after a moment of thought. “Perhaps that has something to do with what you’ve noticed.”

“Anything about Justice?”

“Happier times in Amaranthine. Nothing specific.”

Hawke leaned back in his chair and sighed. “He keeps Dozer with him at the clinic. When he’s not there he’s with one of us. I can’t imagine its loneliness. I know he comes here when the cravings are really bad. Something to do with Red maybe?”

Fenris thought back to when he’d first discovered Anders’ problem. Four men had raped him. He’d been punished for not being able to perform for the woman. That alone would have most gibbering in a corner and Anders had endured it without a single word of complaint or anger or even fear. He had been terrified when Fenris entered the clinic but he’d been afraid of Dozer. Fenris still found that first conversation surreal and disturbing. Most of it had been the lyrium but his mental faculties had been slowed not diminished. There was no doubt what so ever in his mind the mage would have knelt there and placidly let Fenris rape him.

“He’s admitted it was a bad decision to go along with Red’s blackmail,” said Fenris frowning. “He also said he’d make the same decision.”

“He told me something similar,” said Hawke also frowning. “You aren’t responsible for my terrible decisions.”

“Second thoughts?” Fenris said arching an eyebrow.

“About what though?” Hawke said rubbing the middle of his forehead. “Not Red. If we hadn’t gotten him out he would have let it happen again and again. Me… after Karl. It would have been too much. Safer to let Red keep doing whatever he wanted than risk seeing me Tranquil.”

“Even though it meant being raped by an animal again,” said Fenris softly. “There were three Tal Vashoth with him that night. And Dozer.”

“Sick bastard,” Hawke muttered angrily.

“Anders knew Red would have Dozer with him. And yet…”

“Maybe he is terrified of losing me,” said Hawke contemplatively after a brief pause. “Look what happened to his first lover.”

“His Warden lover couldn’t stop the man that drove him to… it… and he lost him as well.”

“Maker’s Breath. He doesn’t need more worries.”

“Then ease these fears. Anders doesn’t seem any different with me. Possibly because… maybe I’m part of the problem.”

“Fenris,” Hawke said gently. “We both know you have a host of your own issues. Anders speaks of you fondly and I believe he wants more than just sex. You have become just as important to him as I am. I also believe he understands. We understand.”

He wasn’t convinced but nodded anyway. They spoke a bit longer of how Hawke might reassure Anders but came up with little. Both of his previous lovers were taken away from him by others and there was nothing that guaranteed the same wouldn’t happen with Hawke. There was little Hawke could do besides what he had been. They parted amiably, each with new worries. Fenris sat on the steps leading up to his room for a long time, thinking.

Eventually he moved up to his bed with a bottle of wine. He didn’t drink like he wanted to in the hopes tonight would be one of the times when Anders walked in. An hour or so later he was glad that he’d restrained himself. Dozer came around the corner and greeted him with his usual enthusiasm, jumping half into his lap to try and lick his face. Fenris irritably shoved him to the floor but scratched at his ears and rubbed his side, watching as Anders shuffled in slowly after him. His arms were hanging at his sides, hands opening and closing restlessly as he made his way over to his bed.

“Hello Fenris,” Anders said distractedly. “I hope you don’t mind company tonight.”

“Is it bad?” he asked quietly.

Anders nodded wordlessly as he propped his staff and sat heavily. Fenris left his wine bottle on the floor and moved around Dozer. He sat behind, pressed as close to the mage as he could get and wrapped his arms around his waist. Dozer followed and sat between their legs, his large head resting on Anders’ thigh.

“Too many clothes,” said Anders sounding a little amused.

“That can be remedied later,” Fenris said.

Silence descended and they sat like that for several minutes, Fenris comforted by him as much as he comforted Anders.

“No questions today?” Anders said leaning back slightly.

“There is something I wish to know,” said Fenris cautiously. “Are you… still all right? With me… us…”

“I shouldn’t be surprised anymore that you and Hawke keep such close tabs on me,” he chuckled. “Yes Fenris. I’m still all right with us. In a way… whatever we have is soothing. It’s familiar. Wanting but holding back. Accepting what does happen… what we can have. Wanting and hoping for more isn’t as painful as it was in the Circle though.”

Fenris scratched behind Dozer’s ear, relieved. Silence fell once more, comfortable and companionable. Gradually Anders relaxed as the intense craving weakened. He plucked at Fenris’ shirt as he turned, a smirk telling him that Anders was all right for the moment.

“Can we fix the too many clothes problem now?” Anders asked playfully.

“One more question,” said Fenris. “The first time I found you… after Red finished with you. Why did you… offer me your arse?”

“Why else would you be there?” said Anders pushing Dozer’s head off of his lap. He stood and Fenris scooted back, his hands coming to rest on Anders’ hips after he straddled Fenris’ legs. “It was too hard to believe a man that hated me would actually want to help. I’m glad I was wrong.”

Anders smiled as he leaned over. Fenris met his lips, some of his worries gone.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this seems a little abrupt. This ending really snuck up on me. There really isn't much left except time. Thanks for reading and commenting. =)

Dozer peeked over the side of the bed and huffed. Anders couldn’t help but smile as he rested his muzzle on the blanket close to his hand. The Mastiff was usually around when he and Fenris had sex but he’d never interfered. Mostly he seemed annoyed. He chuckled and scratched behind an ear.

“Yes we’re done now,” Anders said softly.

Fenris snorted from behind him. “I’m amazed you aren’t still terrified of him.”

“Hawke wouldn’t really let me be afraid of him. I’m… sort of glad. I don’t think he likes being alone any more than I do.”

“What’s he like in the clinic?” Fenris asked leaning over him to scratch his head.

“Friendly. He’s a great distraction for frightened children.”

“When there’s no one else?”

“He watches me work.” Anders shifted to his back, one hand still moving through the fur on Dozer’s neck and the other resting on his stomach. “Dozer seems to like laying on top of the hidden compartment in the floor now.”

“Maybe he smells the lyrium underneath.”

“I never thought of that.”

“And what were you thinking?”

“That Hawke was teaching him to sit there. I can’t backslide if I can’t get to it.”

Fenris laughed and shook his head. “I doubt Hawke would do that. Dozer has always been… partial to you and I.”

“It’s no wonder,” Anders said somewhat sadly. “He slept in my clothes and the only people he was around were both Templars. His life has been terrible too.”

“Have you always been so soft hearted?” Fenris asked quietly. “If it had been my decision…”

“Yes,” said Anders. "I’m still not much of a dog person. I don’t mind him though.”

Fenris smiled and lay back down next to him. Anders was surprised he hadn’t moved to his own bed. It wasn’t the cuddling he wanted but not running away immediately afterwards was a step in the right direction. He continued absently petting Dozer and let his mind wander. Tonight the cravings had been as bad as he could remember them ever being. Even now completely relaxed and satisfied he could still feel the want deep down.

Anders was beginning to wonder if that nagging would ever go away. It was gradually getting easier to deal with. Not trying to go through it alone had helped immensely. Because he didn’t want to depend on Hawke and Fenris completely he deliberately waited until he couldn’t stand it before he allowed himself to cling. Those nights the cravings were really bad he went to Fenris but didn’t always reveal just how bad they were.

Hawke, like he always did, had given him a kiss and offered to walk with him. It was on the walk over Hawke had asked if he was worried about something. Anders’ first impulse had been to say no, he was fine. That hadn’t helped with Justice or the cravings and he admitted that sometimes he was terrified of losing him somehow. The good things in his life had always been fleeting. Hawke’s reassurance only helped a little. This was a fear they couldn’t help him with.

Only time would tell if Hawke was taken away like everything else. He knew without a doubt he’d fight anyone who tried. That wasn’t limited to Hawke. His relationship with Fenris wasn’t the same as his relationship with Hawke but the elf wasn’t less important to him. It was just a little harder to express.

Fenris’ last question nagged at him however. The elf had already been on his list of people not to trust and at the time there was truly no other reason he could think of for him to suddenly take an interest. It was his offended tone and all the questions that made Anders reconsider. Was Fenris worried that he was taking advantage somehow because of that offer? Their sexual relationship always had Anders bottoming but he truly enjoyed taking the elf. If he didn’t enjoy topping Hawke as much as he did, Anders might have been a little worried.

“You don’t regret this do you?” Anders said turning his head to see him.

“No,” Fenris sighed. “Speaking with Hawke this afternoon…”

“You’re not worried about me bottoming all the time are you?”

“A little. We have never discussed it. You offered then and… I just assumed.”

“You do remember me telling you I enjoy it right?” said Anders touching his thigh lightly.

“Yes,” said Fenris finally meeting his eyes. “You’ve admitted to me that you’ve offered your arse to Templars for years however. Have you conditioned yourself to enjoy it? Or am I…”

“Fenris,” Anders said gently after he trailed off. “You’ve always given me every opportunity to stop you. You are one of the most… considerate… partners I’ve ever had. I really don’t mind.”

“Still...”

“Would telling you that I’d be the happiest man in the world between you and Hawke help?” Anders said with a small smirk.

“It might,” Fenris said smirking as well. “Roll to your side.”

“Are you sleeping over here?” Anders asked in surprise.

“You will wake me in the middle of the night,” said Fenris evenly. “Tossing and whimpering. This will save me the aggravation.”

Anders rolled to his side, smiling, as Fenris scooted closer. He reached out and scratched Dozer’s head as the elf molded himself to Anders’ body. Today had been tough but he had made it through. The loneliness he felt since being separated from Justice might take years to fade. Even if the cravings never completely left he would learn to deal with them. Despite those problems and the ones he still had from before Red he was content.


End file.
